Several scripture passages are similar to the one found in Ephesians, but they all convey the same message. That message is the expectations God has on how we treat our parents. It can be challenging for many Black men without looking at the culture because the families and the homes have often been torn apart for various reasons. Most of our relationships with one or, in some cases, both parents have been strained. Whether that parent has chosen to be absent or not, the instruction from God remains the same. Whether that parent is missing due to divorce, separation, incarceration, abandonment, death, or willful neglect, we are still faced with the same instruction to honor them.

To honor your father and mother, you must first know what it means to honor. Honor goes much further than Mother's Day and Father's Day gifts. It's not just referring to flowers on Mother's Day and ties on Father's Day. It goes beyond mere lip service. Honoring your parents has to become a lifestyle, not just an occasion. That means day in and day out, you live your life in a manner that will not bring shame or disgrace to your parent's name. We don't truly understand the value of having someone's name because the names that we were given were not ours due to slavery. We don't have a long history that we can look back on and say that our family made significant achievements to be proud of. By nature, we undervalue our namesake—not realizing that survival within itself was an outstanding achievement for our parents and grandparents. Therefore, we think little about how our actions affect our parents' names when we enter the world. We don't ask our parents if they want their name associated with lying, stealing, or crime. We don't ask them if they want to be known as the parent of a drug dealer, alcoholic, or addict. Not realizing that if they wanted their names associated with any of those things, they could have done it themselves. We make decisions and feel like we don't owe anything to the people who made us possible. When God said honor thy father and mother, it goes beyond just birth parents. Father and Mother are whoever had the task of raising and providing you with food and taking care of your needs."

I'm sure that we all have disagreements with our parents on issues. A conflict does not mean you dishonor your parents, nor does it mean you are disrespecting them. There is a way to disagree with your parents and still honor them. You can have a different opinion and differ on an issue from your parents and still honor them. Remember that honoring them doesn't necessarily mean that they are right or that you agree with them, but it does mean that you agree that God is right. After all, He didn't say honor your father and mother because they are right. God said to honor them because of who they are. Even if you have a hard time doing it because of who they are, do it because of who He is. Honor them because He is God, and you choose to honor Him as such. No, your parents may not deserve to be honored, but you still should do it because God deserves to be honored. Do it to make sure you stay in a proper relationship with God. Do it because your life is also a reflection of Him.

Sadly, some of us have fathers and mothers we don't know. They have played little or no role in our lives. Yet, these circumstances do not negate the word of God. This scripture does not have a disclaimer saying, 'You are only to honor those parents which deserve honor.' He said, 'Honor thy father and thy mother. ' This passage doesn't affect how you feel about them or how they have treated you.

At this point, the only question remains, 'What does honor look like'? It can vary significantly from culture to culture and home to home. So, when God tells us to honor our parents, what should we do? I think it is easier to explain what we should not do.

Your name is significant. Your name will be the way that the world will identify you. They will use your name to identify who you are and what you are. With your name, there also comes responsibility. You also carry that name in every act you commit, and everywhere you go. If you ascend to great heights, you have that name; however, if you descend to the lowest of lows, you carry that name. You and only you will ultimately define that name you bear. It will be known for the acts and deeds of your parents and the deeds you commit. Your community will be shaped and molded by your choices and decisions. The way they will identify who has done good or bad will be in the name you have carried.

So, you honor your father and mother by how you carry your name. I don't want you to think you are exempt if your last name differs from your parents. You still honor them the same way. You can have a different last name, but I assure you that people still know whose child you are. You still reflect your parents, even if your last name differs. Even more, in a society that doesn't know God, they still know to whom you belong. Therefore, to honor your parents, there have to be some things you will not do because you do not want to dishonor your parent's names. There must be some rules you will not break, not because doing so would reflect on you, but because doing so would also reflect on your parents.

You respected your teachers in school because your actions reflected your parents' values. In society, you respect your co-workers because doing so reflects your parents' values. You honor your parents by avoiding things that will bring them shame and not doing something that will bring them dishonor.

The great thing about honoring your parents is that you do not do it in vain. God has said that this is the first commandment with a promise if you honor them. What is that promise? "That thing will be well with thee, and thou may live long upon the earth." If things are not 'going well with you,' make sure you live a lifestyle that honors your parents. If you are struggling in life, make sure that you are not carrying bitterness or resentment toward your parents. God has promised that things will be well if you honor your parents. When trouble arises, you can sleep well. You know that God has you because you have done what he asked. When things threaten your peace of mind, find refuge, knowing God has promised you a long life on earth.

This scripture is essential for you to know because the devil knows it. He knows that if he can cause enough discord between parents and their children, he can destroy the children. So much tension exists in homes, and it's not by accident. The devil tries daily to make children dishonor their parents to shorten their lifespans. It's a trap, and many people fall into it, not knowing it's all a part of the devil's plan. Thankfully, there are steps that we can take to avoid falling into this trap, but the foremost one is to know the scripture and apply it. Have a made-up heart and mind that you would never dishonor your parents. If you do find yourself in this situation, stop. You may even have to put some distance between you and that parent, but it's better to be apart with honor than together with dishonor.

Another aspect we must consider is that we commonly honor one parent and dishonor the other. In some cases, one parent may promote or even encourage the children to dishonor another if the relationship between the two parents is bad. This is a terrible and dangerous game to play. God said to honor thy father and mother, not just the one you like or agree with. He also didn't say we don't have to honor the other parent if one of them says it is okay. I know it is a challenging situation to be in, but we still know right from wrong. It is unfortunate to be in a situation where the parents try to make the children choose sides, but I have a solution. Choose God's side. If a parent tells or encourages you to disrespect the other, I strongly suggest disobeying. Any parent that does that or suggests that isn't the best person to get advice from. While it may make it harder for you and that parent to get along with, I would rather struggle with a relationship with a parent than my relationship with God. Parents have been known to carry grudges and hostilities toward each other that existed even before you were born. It is by no means your job to carry out the vendetta that they started with one another before you were even born in some cases. You can respectfully tell that parent what you are doing and why you are doing it. You can say I'm choosing to honor my father and mother because that is what God requires of me. You don't just owe one of your parents honor; you owe it to both. Even if you don't receive the same honor back from them, you have done your part. God isn't going to ask you what kind of parents you had. He will ask you what kind of child you were to your parents. I've seen a lot of parent-child relationships both at the beginning and the end of life. I've never seen a child regret honoring their parents at the graveside, but I've seen many children wishing they had honored their parents while they had them. Pay them honor. Trust me, it's a lot cheaper to pay them honor than it is to pay them what we owe.